The Non-Black Story of THE HUMAN JOURNEY®

THE HUMAN JOURNEY® is owned by a white woman.

Before releasing the THJ® game experience and Conductor training to the public, we tested and went back to the drawing board to refine the experience — painstakingly — over and over again.

But we did not test with families with Black members. We invited them but were not successful in signing them on. We did go forward with the families outside of a white Judeo-Christian cultural paradigm we could get—Latino, Muslim. (They were by no means as heavily represented as those within that paradigm.)

You could say, well, you tried. You tried to recruit Black families. You did your due diligence.

But we did not then examine why Black families were hard to reach or hard to get to agree to test.

Since then, African-Americans have participated in training to conduct the THJ® experience. One suggested we apply what we know about the design of group experiences to the hard issues of creating long-term Restorative Justice in our communities. Since that suggestion last fall—which seemed entirely right—we began investigating both the field of RJ and how communities and police build relationships. We have a lot yet to learn as we build and test THE HUMAN JOURNEY® edition with communities.

This is not about white guilt. It is about white responsibility. THJ® is examining the networks it has, the organizations it seeks to do business with, and the services it provides so that they better address the needs of a wider swath of the public seeking ways to build peace and belonging both small-scale within families and support communities, and on a bigger scale between groups.

We want to hear from those who are interested in helping us do that.

We also want to encourage the majority of businesses in healthcare, home care, and other fields serving the public that are white-owned, but Black- and immigrant-staffed, to listen, to take the risk of looking foolish by asking genuine questions, and, with us, to seek out one thing on this helpful list that they can begin to do to address the power differential that allows them to own such a business. It is no accident that so many of us are white.

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Learning From Families — In Cases in Which It’s “Too Late”

One spring, we met in person with the head of a hospice organization, anticipating we would be talking about instituting THE HUMAN JOURNEY® as a thorough-going program of her hospice.

Our conversation, based on a rich rapport, took us someplace else.

We were impressed with Candida’s (a pseudonym) conscientiousness. She had been haunted by the searing experience of a family member whose mother had died in her hospice under much-less-than-ideal circumstances, particularly from a psychosocial perspective.

To Candida’s great credit, she wanted to know the truth: Where had the hospice fallen short? What could they have done, and what might they do in future, to alleviate the suffering of families during this hardest of all possible times?

To improve hospice service, we proposed interviewing the small percentage of family members whom the hospice may not have served as well as it would have wished. The hospice knew who these families were. They had heard from them. Some of them loudly.

Those conversations were profound. And they were long. Families need to tell the detailed story of how their loved one’s condition had worsened.

Family members remember the dates and the days of the week. They often remember what staff members told them at the time and when, and how they felt about it then. Sometimes, in the telling, they think differently about what they heard.

In the strongest situations, when family members weren’t sure what to do, hospice staff told them, “There are two choices: you can’t make a wrong one.” They would use their experience to guide families along, holding the family’s point of view. As one family member phrased it, “They were ahead of my curve.”

Yet still, a few situations were revealing. From the interviews, now with staff as well as family members, where staff had fallen short seemed to me to have two causes, one an occupational hazard of caregiving work and the other something they could hardly have been expected to provide, given they were never trained to do it.

First, the natural accretion of years in a hospice job may have made the emotional labor required for staff to do the job well seemingly impossible. And, without the institutional and personal supports to be able to access self-care, staff members would be almost certain to armor increasingly against the work they had originally chosen.

Second, nursing and medical schools have historically failed to prepare future professionals for the essential teaching roles that they have with patients and families. Consequently, when they are called upon to teach—daily—they do just as they have been taught. They convey information—and call that teaching. In their understandable states of distress and confusion, family members may misunderstand that information. They may be overwhelmed by it. They may forget it. They may deny it. They may not hear it at all.

Yet, without learning, there is no teaching.

As developer of professional staff ranging from medical to clergy to law enforcement to working educators, we could see that the hospice staff needed first to experience the difference between what they thought of as teaching and communicating — and how different a patient-centered approach felt like from a patient or family member’s point of view.

It would be quite a turnaround.

THE HUMAN JOURNEY® creates and provides programs for hospice, healthcare, and mission-driven institutions to address the socio-emotional, cultural, and capacity needs of staff that impact their longevity in their work, their effectiveness and humanity with those they serve, and the culture of their organizations. 

Let us hear the story of your organization—your story of staff and patient/client experience.

 

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A Man’s Job

It looked as though it was the women’s job. To talk to me, as a visitor.

In a southwestern suburb of Chicago, the patriarch of the family, close to 80, and his broad-shouldered son-in-law did most of the talking through dinner, largely about matters of sports and engineering. He had fixed an elegant salmon, while his wife—the kind of mother you don’t refuse when she tells you this Sunday dinner a visitor is coming over and you had better do what she says—had prepared the wholesome side dishes, including a crunchy raw broccoli salad. All good brain food. The women made small talk with me.

They hadn’t needed to ask me to dinner in addition to having me over to test THE HUMAN JOURNEY® with them those years ago.

But they were a religious family and hospitality, I guessed, was part of how they do things. We would have dinner and then we would settle into the living room to dig in, to see how the structure of THJ® would take a family of a second husband and wife close to 80, her three middle-aged daughters, two single, one married, and their son-in-law, on a journey of discovery of the ingredients that had formed them prior to birth, the choices they had made in adulthood that had carved out their characters, and the will they had to scythe out a new path into a shared future.

Why were the four women slackjawed by the time the evening was over?

Did it have anything to do with what their laconic octagenerian—perhaps not one for therapy, long intimate talks with his wife or stepdaughters, or extended out-loud reflections—was sharing?

How, when he was grieving his first wife, still having to go to work each day in the greeting-card shop he owned, he was able to heal by helping others select the right card and, at the register, to be a patient listener to the tales of love, relationship, and, occasionally, loss they wanted to share with him?

Or was it the how he was sharing it, seemingly without concern for the time he was taking, the personal discoveries he was making, or the rapt engagement of his family?

The structure of THJ®, the ground rules of the experience, and the presence of an outside “Conductor”—a stranger to him—of the Journey opened out the way for him, I was guessing—and for his family. I suspected there would be further questions posed to him as he and his wife got ready for bed that night or as he and his daughters cleared the table together the following Sunday evening.

That Sunday night was the beginning of a new way for the family to see him and each other, the start of new questions and fresh answers, and a different way of walking together on THE HUMAN JOURNEY®.

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The Smile of the Mona Gloria

The cutting board, the yardstick, the stacks—in all, it was 33 lovingly packaged boxes. On this May, 2019 day, she took the greatest pride in assembling the original set of THE HUMAN JOURNEY®’s Conductor Kits, now used in an updated form in institutional and public trainings to help families cultivate belonging and meaning in the heart of change.

Perhaps it was such pride that put a smile more beatific than any I’ve ever seen on Gloria’s face.

No matter my pushing, Gloria refuses the title of Production Manager, preferring Production Assistant, even though it often seems she was born to make the physical universe work. Yet the eight person-hours of measuring, folding, assembling, and tying up of the THJ® boxes with the decks, board, and implements on this particular day are only an external sign of what she’s done for THE HUMAN JOURNEY®.

Gloria’s real title is that of godmother to THE HUMAN JOURNEY®. When, in 2013, I started putting together the point of view that would later underpin THJ®, Gloria was the one I talked it all over with. Back then, I was looking for the model I could best believe in for how people told the story of difficult times in their lives—an explanatory framework that gave meaning to the hard times, more than simply an opportunity to rehearse a story one has already told a thousand times. A framework that could be a journey of discovery both for the person as they told their story and for those who received it.

For some months, we talked through “narrative frameworks,” as I then called them, starting with a crucial dinner at the Tong’s Tiki Hut restaurant near her home. I was ranking and testing a catalog I had formed of them. You may recognize the one whose handle was “I’m right and he’s an idiot (right?)” (This was the self-justification narrative, one you’ll recognize if you’ve ever listened to a friend in pain shortly after a breakup.) 

Another was what I’ve viewed as the a-bit-too-facile framework that somehow hard times are paired with their redemptive elements (the “silver lining framework”). Gloria thought about it and added two more, including the notion that hard experiences could be regarded as experiments in living, possibly even experiments that a higher power might be conducting with human beings as subjects.

In the end, the one that made the most sense, and later became THE HUMAN JOURNEY®’s vehicle of both personal and communal healing in times of impending loss, or other opportunity for a group to grow in the face of change, was none of these. (Ask if you’re curious, or for directions to the Tiki Hut.)

Nowadays, THE HUMAN JOURNEY® Conductor’s Kits are no longer in cardboard boxes, held together with a colored bow. They’re packaged in solid tin boxes, nested tight inside with the game boards, wooden Meeples implements, and the three THJ® decks. One THJ® Conductor trainee recently described the process of opening her box as being like a “sacred ritual.”

So was the putting them together for a dear friend of the business. With gratitude for all Gloria has brought to THE HUMAN JOURNEY® and for her beatific smile!